Saturday, February 6, 2010

Journal pages 2 and 3

Click on pages to enlarge:)
Once upon a time there was a little girl who tried to please everyone but could not. She was lonely and afraid because she believed that she was Bad. Nothing ever lasted, if she became happy there was fear in that moment. Even though there were people who loved her, she never trusted that feeling. Love came with large amounts of mental pain. She often could not catch her own breath, and her heart would beat so fast that she thought it would come out of her chest. She was a lost child, and there are so many of them walking around wondering why they were left by there parents. What did she do wrong, wasn't she pretty enough, was she unlovable so they left her behind. Where they just to young to understand that the things they did would leave holes that could never be filled. And when they decided to bring this little girl into their life, anger took the place of the love she had been given by her care givers, her Grandparents. I would have loved to have talked to that little girl, tell her that she was worth something, that she was a good person and one day she would grow up and someone special would find her and love her forever.
My Arney

I go to church, but I left the SDA church when I was 14.

12 comments:

Cat said...

Reading your journal pages...
this subject came up once with some people I work with, and also with the to drink or not drink, and I remembered something Jesus said about it's not what goes IN your mouth, but it's what comes OUT of your mouth that matters.
how true...
your post brings tears to my eyes.
XO, Cat

Lynn said...

Whew, I had a hard time with this one. How sad for that little girl, how confusing...so many mixed messages...how lonely. I'd see an eating disorder in the making at least.
So glad she/you grew up and found love and a lover who is so good to and for you.
Your journal pages are heart wrenchingly beautiful if one can have all that together. Well done.


I sat over food as a child too for other reasons. Lots of stress at our dinner table with an alcoholic dad, angry mom, none of which I understood at the time, but the stress was there and I had no appetite, but was made to sit and eat...lots of bouts with severe constipation resulted and I was a very very very skinny child.

Celestial Charms said...

What a healing form of therapy these journal pages can be. Such a complicated and confusing childhood to work through for you. These are beautiful and creative pages, so very inspiring.
Maureen

Shopgirl said...

Thank You so very much, you all have given me tears, tears of healing. We all have a story, they are never easy to tell. Little secrets, buried deep...but they are there. I am working on me, but I hope with all my heart that my journey will help someone else.
Thank You, Mary

Julie said...

Oh, such a sad, sad story. I am glad you are working on you. I have revealed some secrets on my blog but there is a big one that I've only told my sister and my husband. I don't know if I will ever had the courage to tell that one.

PS - Don't get rid of your snow because of me. I had no trouble getting into your blog today, and I can also get into Leanne's (Somerset Seasons) blog again. And her blog used to freeze up my computer so that I had to shut it off and re-start it!

Love, Julie

Janet said...

I just want to hug you after reading this. I had some very minor food issues as a kid but nothing like this. Mostly I just wouldn't eat certain things and my dad would make me stay at the table until I did. There were many nights when I stubbornly sat there until bedtime because I was NOT going to give in and eat something I didn't like!

Kathy said...

Wow, sending you a very big hug, I did see some things about myself in that writing, maybe we are to...maybe not. But I felt the sadness, and the warth too. I am so happy you were able to write it and share it. And BTW, those pages are great....
hugs sweet lady!

Betzie said...

So glad you shared this Mary...it will help heal you and others too.
I use food as comfort and reward, especially sweets!
Great journaling!!! xoxox

Elizabeth Golden said...

I wish I had known that little girl. I would have given her a big hug. Sometimes parents aren't parents, no matter what the child does. I am so sorry your life was so hard, I am so glad you have found love!

Werna Gail said...

I to believe sharing your story will help you and others. Each of us is very loved and special to God and he has a purpose for each life....the things we have gone through make us who we are today, and I see you as a very compassionate and loving person.

Julie said...

Mary,

The last time I commented on this post, I had not read the part about the food (and wondered what the heck some commenters were talking about). No wonder you have food issues. How awful that people can use food as a weapon against a child. I remember twice sitting at the table with the admonition from my stepfather to stay there until I ate my food. Once it was a fried egg. Once it was a tomato slice. To this day I can't stand fried eggs but I will eat tomatoes. My stepdad told us kids that his mother used to put the food away in the cupboard and bring it out for the next meal, then the next, then the next, until it was eaten. I hated my stepdad so much I wished he'd gotten food poisoning from that spoiled food and died. I had a Catholic friend who started to eat a hamburger, remembered it was a Friday and spit out the food. Or how about Jews not eating pork? I just finished a book today about how some Polish people helped the Jews assimilate into the Christian world so as to hide them from the Nazis. One thing they did was teach them how to cook pork in different ways. So you could say pork saved some of the Jews. Well, I guess enough rambling about food!

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